In Defense of “Judgement”.

Lately,  the humble condom seems under attack. Poor li’l guys-for such effective inventions, they get very little respect. Forty percent of New York City residents with multiple partners are shunning condoms entirely, despite their widespread availability and fun, flashy packaging.

This statistic horrifies me mostly because I just don’t GET it. I don’t GET it, NYC! What are you thinking?!! With very little exception, the arguments against condoms tend to go like this:

1. Sex feels better without condoms.

2. I don’t like the icky smell.

3.  …..Did I mention it feels better? Um, also, spontaneity and stuff.

REALLY, NYC? Really? Is that the best you can do? Sex feels better? The smell is weird? You want to be able to fuck in the park with less prep?

I mean, I understand we’re all human. Stuff happens. And on the one hand, I don’t want to shame anyone-but on the other hand, I would love to see this behavior become less socially acceptable. Like smoking! People are always going to smoke, but social awareness has gone up, which makes it less socially acceptable, and fewer people smoke. The less people think that unprotected sex with multiple partners is  socially acceptable, the less they’ll do it. I don’t think we need to shove sex back in the closet-I think we need to be totally open and clear about what’s something to be concerned about (unsafe sex) and what’s not something to be worried about (sex in general).  Which involves, to be honest, a kind of judgement.

Hear me out on this. People tend to see “sex” and “judgement” and freak out- “DON’T POLICE ME! DON’T SHAME ME!” etc etc. Let me be totally clear. I am sex-positive. I think sex is great, and unprotected sex when both partners are being safe and honest and know their statuses is great, and that everyone should be allowed to fuck how many whomevers they want with whatever props without judgement. But I think unsafe sex is a bad idea for both partners involved, and while you certainly can’t-and shouldn’t- control what decisions people make, you can influence what they consider safe, and what becomes accepted social practice.

There was an interesting article in the NY Times lately on how good habits are formed- how advertisers, in particular, are able to tie behaviors to habitual cues. (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/13/business/13habit.html?_r=1&scp=3&sq=habit&st=cse&oref=slogin) We wash our hands, for instance, because we’ve been taught a habit of washing our hands after using the toilet, because the toilet is socially accepted as a “dirty” place. The key to changing human behavior, in other words, is not so much to talk about germs and risks and statistics as it is about changing what is socially accepted habit.

So what if we could change the habits of sex? What if it became de rigeur to reach for a condom-even more than it is? What if it became so common that people who didn’t reach for a condom had trouble getting laid?

That’s why I’m okay with denouncing unsafe sex, with risking being labelled “judgemental”. Some habits should be judged, when they endanger people’s health. I don’t think this 40% of New Yorkers should be looked down upon (since it’s almost half of us Gothamites), but I think it’s okay to judge the habit itself, to speak out against it, to discourage it as much as possible. Hate the sin, love the sinner, as it were. Smoking rates declined when smoking became inconvenient and unpopular.  People say, “Well, it’s my choice”-and it is, but the less  acceptable it is, the less they’ll do it. 

It’s not a black-and-white choice between being total Puritans and being mute  about unsafe sexual behavior for fear of ‘judging’. There’s a middle ground here.  We should  be able to distinguish between shaming people for having sex (just to be clear-bad idea) and speaking out against widespread unsafe sex practices. It doesn’t make us prudes or “slut-shamers” or tools of the Patriarchy or frigid. It makes us human beings who care about other human beings staying healthy, who want us all to be able to have safe sex with whomever we choose, and who want to see a  decline in STDs that reap their cost in health and happiness and lives.

So I think it’s okay to risk being “judgemental”, to speak up on blogs and in the media and when out with our friends and (especially) when in bed with our sexual partners. I think it’s okay to say what is, objectively, safer behavior and what is not.  I think it’s good to be honest, but I think that there is something higher to aspire to than bluntness. We can aspire to, in an honest and realistic way, make our habits safer and better, both societally and personally. There is something to be said for describing life as it is, but something more to be said for stating what could be-to acknowledge human frailty, but hope for and work for better public health, better public understanding, and a better quality of life for all of us.