…using actual, transcribed text from my mom’s messages, elevated to one glorious extravanganza!
BEEP! The Musical! STARRING ANSWERING MACHINE, RISING STARLETS, AND A CAST OF HUNDREDS! GLAMOUR! SOUL-STIRRING SONGS! MAD-CAP ANTICS! GORGEOUS GAMS! ZIGFIELD’S FINEST!
(Overture)
Curtains up on a dark stage, in which an answering machine is illuminated by a single spotlight. A red light blinks. A phantom hand presses the “messages” button, as the audience holds its collective breath.
MESSAGE:
Hi, Kate. This is Mom. I just called to say I love you love you LOVE you, and you are my SPECIAL GIRL. I love you. This is Mom. I LOVE you. It is Wednesday, at 6:32 and 29..30…31 seconds, and I called to say I love you. YOU are the most WONDERFUL, BRILLIANT, SPECIAL girl in the WHOLE WORLD, and any man who doesn’t instantly want to snatch you up FOREVER is just INSANE. INSANE. Should be LOCKED UP! Insane. You are my SPECIAL SPECIAL girl, and I can’t believe you’re 25. 25! Ugh! It seems like just yesterday you were a little baby. (moment of reflective silence) You know, when I was 25, I had TWO LITTLE BOYS. Haha. Not that that matters to you, because I know you say you don’t want kids, but I think it’s such a SHAME, You’d be SUCH a great MOM. You say that NOW, but you’re so YOUNG, you might change your mind. OH, you’d be such a COOL mom!(pause) I know you hate it when I do that. DELETE, DELETE! Hahahaha. Here I go, BABBLE BABBLE! Hahahaha! (Starts singing, off-tune):
Oh where, oh where has my little girl gone
Oh where, oh where can she beee?
I’ve called and called and she hasn’t called me back*
Oh whyyyy won’t sheeeee call me?
Hahahahaha! This is Mom, I LOVE you LOVE YOU! Call me back. Call me back, I love you!
This is Mom!
(long pause)
I love you! This is Mom!
(click)
Lights come up, revealing a long kickline of chorus girls! They dance and twirl, as a platform of singers rise behind them, drowning the stage in song! They all join together, surround the answering machine, and end in big finish, jump-splits and fireworks and soaring voices, and the cheeky lovers reunited!
Close curtain.
*Before anyone accuses me of being a monster, let me just say that this message was left when I hadn’t called her back for TWO DAYS. TWO DAYS!
oh man that’s great! 2 days!? my mom gets all touchy if i dont write her emails back. but she wont send me lovey dovey msgs, she’ll get my older sister to ask, “did you get mom’s messages? you hurt her feelings not answering her back.” oy, moms
Comment by angiesyounglover — January 23, 2009 @ 11:49 pm
Hahahaha. My mom also sends my little brother as a ” guilt diplomat”.
Comment by katastic — January 28, 2009 @ 5:16 pm
Oh, god. Flashbacks. My mother will also ask if I’ve been eating. I’M 25!!!! Oh, mothers.
Comment by Melissa — February 2, 2009 @ 8:03 pm
LOL, that’s so cute. Of course though, I could see where it could be a little draining.
Comment by dorothyzbornak — April 6, 2009 @ 7:06 pm
Your mom’s not very interesting or readable.
Comment by Anderson — October 23, 2009 @ 6:10 pm
@Anderson: Possibly true. But then, my mom’s not getting paid to be.
Comment by katastic — October 23, 2009 @ 6:23 pm