Nuff said

Re: Jezebel’s latest sex post:(http://jezebel.com/5028835/sex-without-condoms-is-actually-better-than-diamonds-people)

“..you know, when picasso took a shit, he didn’t call it a ’sculpture.’ he knew the difference. that’s what made him picasso. and if i’m wrong about that, i mean, if i totally miss the point here and somehow puking up your own…neuroses all over people’s laps is actually art, then you oughta at least realize there’s a price to it all…you know? somebody pays for your two minutes on cnn…there has to be a line between really saying something and just…needing attention..”.

The Shape of Things

Safe sex and the Jezebel

Until very recently, I was a prolific commenter on a site called Jezebel. Jezebel, as my dear friend Trixie from Toronto has written(http://buttercuppunch.wordpress.com/2008/07/06/feminism-some-people-are-doing-it-wrong/) was a site on which feminists of all ages and stripes could gather and sharpen their wits-whether debating politics, exchanging sex tips, or saying cutting things about celebrity outfits. It was, for me, a place to learn- a community that challenged and touched and encouraged women from all backgrounds. ‘Twas a magical land!

I, and several other of the most prolific commenters, was banned from Jezebel in the fall-out from this much-blogged scandal. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lizz-winstead/jezebelism_b_110903.html) I think much of what needed to be said about Tracie ‘Slut Machine’ Egan’s comments on rape in this interview- and her comments in the past-  has already been said. Heck, there was even a cartoon! (Not that she seems to have learned too much- she’s said “[Lizz]’s kinda the rapist in the situation” about the interview: http://www.onedatatime.com/dick_liker/2008/07/taken-out-of-context-i-must-seem-so-strange.html#comment-122587182  HEY TRACIE! MAYBE STAY AWAY FROM RAPE REFERENCES FOR A WHILE!)

What has been overshadowed in the justifiable outrage over her comments on rape, however, was the comments both Moe and Tracie made about birth control- or lack thereof. Let’s peek, shall we?

Moe: Pulling out always works for me”
Tracie: “And I know it’s an irresponsible thing to day, but it’s [Pulling Out] The Most Fun Way Not To Get Pregnant”

Teeheehee. Okay, whatever, so two chicks go on an interview show and talk about how they have sex without condoms- who cares? Normally I would just roll my eyes and ignore it, but this is part of a pattern on Jezebel- much the same way that Tracie’s ‘confusion’ about  what rape is, and how it happens, is part of her pattern.  For some time,  sexual misinformation, and unsafe sex information, has been popping up on Jezebel in Tracie and Moe’s posts. It ranges from Tracie claiming that herpes can only be spread during an outbreak (WRONG), to Moe writing about how withdrawal is just as effective as condoms and that STDs were no big deal.(http://jezebel.com/5019630/yeah-people-wore-condomswhen-the-naked-gun-was-in-theaters#viewcomments. Also http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2008/06/new_yorkers_dont_wear_condoms.html#hp .)  In fact, the SAFEST information on Jezebel I’ve seen recently was not, in fact, on Jezebel, but a posted item  from Seventeen magazine (http://jezebel.com/5024266/its-fun-to-be-seventeen–unless-of-course-youre-seventeen):

Hm!

So what’s the big deal? Surely no one is turning to Jezebel for sexual advice? Surely no one is taking someone whose moniker is “Slut Machine”’s advice on sex? Ha. Here’s a comment from Tracie’s blog, onedatatime:

“i lost my virginity last week & the only thing i could think right after was ‘I hope my life, & my sex life is half as great & interesting as Tracy’s, I’d be happy with that.’
your the hero of a sixteen year old, who’s half way round the world.
i just really wanted you to know, i think your awesome.

Posted by:chloe. | April 18, 2008 at 05:39 AM “

Holy Jeebus.

You may say that Tracie and Moe don’t have a responsibility to practice safe sex simply because young women like “chloe” look up to them.  Totally correct! No one has any right to say what they should or shouldn’t do in the sack. However, they should not wilfully SPREAD sexual misinformation. There’s a difference. It’s the difference between drunk-driving and bragging about/ recommending drunk-driving to others.  Tracie and Moe seem to think that if they do a kind of la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you-young-women-don’t-look-up-to-me-la-la-la song and dance, they are absolved of accountability. Tracie, especially, has very little excuse for spreading unsafe sex information- she has an advice column. Advising strangers about their sex lives confers upon you the responsibility to actually give them safe, sane advice.

 I appreciate that Moe and Tracie’s sex stories are about reality, not the ideal, but it is WRONG to actively promote unsafe sex. Fully one-fourth of New York City’s adults have herpes (  http://wcbstv.com/local/herpes.new.york.2.743868.html)  and HIV is on the rise again, especially in young women( http://www.nyc.gov/html/doh/html/ah/ah.shtml). An estimated 1 in 70 New Yorkers is infected with HIV. Actively or passively encouraging women-especially young women, who are amongst the most vulnerable- to have unprotected sex is, quite possibly, endangering their lives. 

It’s easy to shrug Jezebel off as a silly website with little effect on women’s lives, but I believe  women (especially the teenagers who read the site) will read these posts,imitate their role models, and suffer the consequences. I don’t ask that Moe or Tracie be less honest about their sexual activities; I ask that they be a positive force rather than a negative one- not spreading misinformation, for example.  No one has the right to tell these women to have safe sex in their private lives, but I appeal to- them? Jezebel? Anna? Nick Denton?- to not spread harmful misinformation or actively encourage unsafe sex.  Moe and Tracie have this amazing forum in which thousands of women read their writing every day; with that comes some responsibility, unsexy as it is. Ain’t it a bitch.

 

 

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. After I originally wrote this post, Moe came out with this lovely piece:http://jezebel.com/5028835/sex-without-condoms-is-actually-better-than-diamonds-people, in which she explains that condomless sex is sooooo whatevs, because STDs are mostly just awkward. Hey, Moe? Last time I checked, HIV is not cureable, and the fact that you’re a privileged young non-injecting drug user doesn’t make you immune. Jesus fucking Christ. It would be laughable if it were’nt such an  slap in the face.

 

BLOOD MONKEY!!!!

My day job is at a production company which make TV movies, some of which are pretty good and some of which are just embarassing. My favorite of these movies is “BLOOD MONKEY!”, a film about a tribe of man-eating monkeys in the Amazon. Now, the movie itself is pretty…fascinating, but I was so inspired by the concept that I decided to write an alternate script. Below, the rough draft of my masterpiece:

My script for “Blood Monkey”. 

BLOOD MONKEY, STARRING BEN AFFLECK AND TIA CARRERE

with LUCY LAWLESS as DR. MILICENT TIRARE, zoologist

Scene I: a remote jungle

BEN: Isn’t  this REMOTE JUNGLE amazing, Tiffany? Soo lush and beautiful. Just like you.

TIA: Oh, Cliff. (giggles)

BEN: Come here, hot stuff.

TIA: Cliff, we shouldn’t. Hee hee hee. Oh, that tickles! What if someone sees us?

BEN: Don’t be ridiculous, baby. There’s no one here but birds and poisonous frogs. Just you and me…

TIA: Oh, Cliff! Ohhh. Cliff, mmmm….

(A sound- a tree branch breaking).

TIA: What was that?!!!

BEN: What was what?

TIA: That noise! Cliff…

BEN: Probably just a bird. C’mere.

(A rustle in the bushes.)

TIA: There it was again! Oh my god, Ben..I mean Cliff. What if…

BEN: What if what? How does this darn thing unhook?

TIA: What if it’s…Remember those hikers? That were found..(whispers) half-eaten… covered…

BEN: With bananas? That’s a myth, baby. Come one, I thought we came out here to have fun. Relax.Just…relax…

TIA: Oh, Cliff. Hee hee hee.

FROM THE TREES DIRECTLY ABOVE, A HUGE RUSTLING NOISE. A GHOSTLY SHRIEK.

BEN: What the…?

A RUSH OF MOVEMENT. CAMERA PANS AWAY. ALL WE SEE IS GOUTS OF BLOOD HITTING THE FOREST FLOOR. SCREAMS.

TIA: OH, GOD NO!!!! NO!!!!!!!!

BEN: TIFFANY, RUN!RUN!!!! YEAAAGHHH!

Same floor, obviously weeks later. LUCY LAWLESS, as DR. MILICENT TIRARE, examines a half-eaten shoe, covered with gore and hairs.

JUNGLE TRIBESMAN #1:  Has the demon who killed your family so long ago come again to wreak havoc on humanity, O Shaman?

LUCY LAWLESS: Yes, Tonto. I am afraid he will never be appeased, this..

JUNGLE TRIBESMAN #1: oH gODS!

LUCY LAWLESS:…this Blood Monkey.

(Tonto prostrates himself as wild tribal drums beat and LAWLESS shakes her fist at the sky, impotently cursing the trees in a cry of terrible rage.)

LUCY LAWLESS: BLOOD MONKKKKKKEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!

Top Ten Things to Do When Trapped in Temp Job

10.) Think about scratching butt. As impulse builds, resist. Feel butt getting itchier and itchier. Become convinced one has pressing medical issue related to butt-scratching. Furtively look around cubicle. While maintaining blank face,  scratch butt. Stare blankly into space.

9.) Stare blankly into space.

8.) Smell something weird.  Sniff self. Confirm it is not, in fact, self. Conclude that the person in next cubicle MUST change diet/ cologne/ mouthwash immediately. Consider writing an anonymous note.

7.) Think about lunch.

6.) Go on facebook for about the 47th time in a day. Get pissed off that no one has written comments on your wall in the last ten minutes; reflect that perhaps you should drink less coffee.

5.) Supervisor walks by! Intently stare at computer; furrow brow seriously. Open up an Excel document as if you had any idea what to do with an Excel document.

4.) Go to bathroom.

3.)Examine split ends.

2.) Do google search on all of your friends/ enemies/ former flames. Secretly hope that image search of latter two produces wan/ flabby/ regretful-looking pictures.

1.) Practice holding breath, out of both boredom and obscure hope that you actually pass out, therein guaranteeing you get to go home early. Keep Excel document open on computer; amuse self by writing dirty phrases.

More real-life bad movie titles

 As some of you know, I work at a production company that produced hits such as “Blood Monkey” and “A Grandpa for Christmas”.  Annnd now, from the annals of the same company, it’s MORE TRULY BAD MOVIE TITLES! All 100% AUTHENTIC!!!

10.)”How, Where and When to Catch Bass”-wow, that sounds…riveting?

 6.) “Finding Buck Henry, aka: Hamlet”

5.)”Captain Simian and the Space Monkeys” -Okay, I actually remember watching this as a kid. And it kind of rocked.

4.)”A Boyfriend for Christmas” -Just remember to poke airholes in the box.

3.)”Merlin the Magical Puppy”

2.)”Brandon Willy Goes To Heck” aka “I was a Teenage Faust” Yes, the title  actually contains ”Heck”.

AND FINALLY…… 

 1.)”Dear  Mr. God”.

There are no words.

Update: I have now, tragically, seen the worst movie my company ever produced- a little film called “Aztec Rex”. It’s a movie about how the dinosaurs used to battle the Mayans. right about when the conquistadors came. A real film d’art, if you will.

Top Ten Things To Say To Upset A Hipster

(Special shout-out to Margaret McCloskey, who came up with several of the less clever   of these. Just kidding, Mag! You’re hilarious. Please stop drinking, we’re all concerned.)

10.) “I totally get what you’re saying in this poem.”                                                            

9.)”Your parents’ check just bounced.”

8.) “Pull-out is not an effective method of birth control.”

7.)”You know what I like best about you? Your earnesty and enthusiasm.”

6.) “Great outfit! I just saw another guy wearing the exact same thing! .”

5. ) “Oh my God. I know you!! Lindsay! Lindsay Miller?!!!  Randolph High, right? You were prom queen!”

4.) “I saw you. In Times Square. On New Year’s.” 

3.) “You look, like, so happy.”

2.) (looking at song on Ipod) “Mmm. I have the original.”

AND FINALLY….

1.) “I don’t really believe in bisexuality.”

(Image via nataliedee.com)

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