My day job is at a production company which make TV movies, some of which are pretty good and some of which are just embarassing. My favorite of these movies is “BLOOD MONKEY!”, a film about a tribe of man-eating monkeys in the Amazon. Now, the movie itself is pretty…fascinating, but I was so inspired by the concept that I decided to write an alternate script. Below, the rough draft of my masterpiece:
My script for “Blood Monkey”.
BLOOD MONKEY, STARRING BEN AFFLECK AND TIA CARRERE
with LUCY LAWLESS as DR. MILICENT TIRARE, zoologist
Scene I: a remote jungle
BEN: Isn’t this REMOTE JUNGLE amazing, Tiffany? Soo lush and beautiful. Just like you.
TIA: Oh, Cliff. (giggles)
BEN: Come here, hot stuff.
TIA: Cliff, we shouldn’t. Hee hee hee. Oh, that tickles! What if someone sees us?
BEN: Don’t be ridiculous, baby. There’s no one here but birds and poisonous frogs. Just you and me…
TIA: Oh, Cliff! Ohhh. Cliff, mmmm….
(A sound- a tree branch breaking).
TIA: What was that?!!!
BEN: What was what?
TIA: That noise! Cliff…
BEN: Probably just a bird. C’mere.
(A rustle in the bushes.)
TIA: There it was again! Oh my god, Ben..I mean Cliff. What if…
BEN: What if what? How does this darn thing unhook?
TIA: What if it’s…Remember those hikers? That were found..(whispers) half-eaten… covered…
BEN: With bananas? That’s a myth, baby. Come one, I thought we came out here to have fun. Relax.Just…relax…
TIA: Oh, Cliff. Hee hee hee.
FROM THE TREES DIRECTLY ABOVE, A HUGE RUSTLING NOISE. A GHOSTLY SHRIEK.
BEN: What the…?
A RUSH OF MOVEMENT. CAMERA PANS AWAY. ALL WE SEE IS GOUTS OF BLOOD HITTING THE FOREST FLOOR. SCREAMS.
TIA: OH, GOD NO!!!! NO!!!!!!!!
BEN: TIFFANY, RUN!RUN!!!! YEAAAGHHH!
Same floor, obviously weeks later. LUCY LAWLESS, as DR. MILICENT TIRARE, examines a half-eaten shoe, covered with gore and hairs.
JUNGLE TRIBESMAN #1: Has the demon who killed your family so long ago come again to wreak havoc on humanity, O Shaman?
LUCY LAWLESS: Yes, Tonto. I am afraid he will never be appeased, this..
JUNGLE TRIBESMAN #1: oH gODS!
LUCY LAWLESS:…this Blood Monkey.
(Tonto prostrates himself as wild tribal drums beat and LAWLESS shakes her fist at the sky, impotently cursing the trees in a cry of terrible rage.)
LUCY LAWLESS: BLOOD MONKKKKKKEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!