Scenes with My Mother III- Dinner Conversation

The year is 2008. Kate and her mother are at a diner. Kate is picking at the last of her sandwich; her mother is empting six packets of sugar and four creams into a coffee cup. They are discussing her younger brother, who is in his semester abroad. They are mid-conversation.

Kate’s Mom: Oh,  I don’t think Brendan dates.

K: He does too.

KM: How do you know?

K: I saw it on his blog.

KM: What?

K: I saw it on his blog.

KM: How do you get to a “blog”?

K: Oh, Mom, I am so not telling you. (laughs) Then he would tell you how to get to my blog.

KM: You have a “blog”?

K: No. Never mind.

KM: Well, is he dating anyone special? Any special guy?

K: I don’t know.

KM: Ask him!

K: Mom! No! I’m not going to do that.

KM: Why not?

K: It’s nosy! It’s totally…it’s intrusive.

KM: No, it’s not.

K: Mom, of course it is! It’s like, oh, I don’t know….like if you asked me (waves hand in the air) how many people I’ve slept with, or whatever.

(pause)

KM: How many people have you slept with?

K: Mommmmmmmmm!

KM: Well, let’s see… (names people she knows Kate has dated*) there’s John, and Mark, and Adam…and that artist, what was his name?…Peter? Paul?

K: MOM!

KM: Wasn’t there a musician?

K: MA!

KM: Okay, okay.

(pause)

Five?

K: MOM!

*Names changed to protect the innocent.

“Just give me a ballpark number. 6? 10? 3?”

Scenes with My Mother II- Nutrition

Kate and her mother are sitting on the couch. Kate is eyeing the large styrofoam cup her mother is sipping coffee from.

Kate: Mom, how many cups of coffee a day do you drink?

Kate’s Mom: Oh, don’t start.

K: Mom, HOW MANY CUPS OF COFFEE A DAY? Like, twelve?

KM: No! I have (clears throat) three cups.

K: Three of those! Mom, that’s huge. That’s, like, four servings each. Oh my God, Mom. And you drink diet soda, too! How many diet sodas do you have a day?

KM: Oh, lay off. (waves hand in a dismissive motion). Buzz off.

K: Like, four? Mom, you know that stuff de-calcifies your bones, right? And all the coffee? Jeez, Mom, no wonder you have osteoporosis. That stuff is terrible for you.

KM:I don’t drink that much coffee.

K: Mom, just… just drink some water, too. Break that stuff up, you know?

KM: Water makes me gag.

(stupefied silence)

K: WATER IS THE BUILDING BLOCK OF LIFE!

KM: (Makes gagging sound)

Scenes with my Mother

Hello, and welcome to a new feature- Scenes with My Mother, in which I turn actual conversations with my mother into great works of art. Please enjoy.

Scene: Kate’s mother’s van. The year is 2002. Kate’s mother is driving about 30 mph and hitting every curb on the street, as per usual. The dashboard and floor of the car are littered with used styrofoam coffee cups and paperback novels. Kate, a *shockingly* good-looking and intelligent (and humble!) 19 year-old, is in the passenger seat, her feet propped up on the dashboard.

Kate: Hey Mom, guess what?

Kate’s Mom: What?

K: My friend Katie came out of the closet.

KM:Oh?

K: Yeah. Well, I mean- to her friends. Not to her family, though, ’cause they wouldn’t understand. That’s one thing I’ve always really appreciated about you and Dad, you know? That you would totally accept me and love me if I were gay.

(Long pause)

KM:Are you gay?

K: Mom, what? No. I’m just saying if I WERE…

KM: You can tell me, Kate.

K: What? No, I’m…

Km: You can tell me, I love you anyway, Kate….

K: Mom! I’m not gay!

KM: I love you anyway, Kate!!!

K: MOM!

KM: I love my gay daughter!

K: MOM YOU DON’T HAVE ONE.

(End scene)

” I love my gay daughter!”